Mama's Guilt

I have a few friends who think I'm crazy for this feeling...but I can't help it.

I have mama's guilt.

What's that? Well, I don't know if it's real, and I haven't googled it to find a Wiki page, but it's my own term. My own feelings.

I'm a guilty mama.

Huh? Okay. Bare with me (and thinking about it, I may have posted this already. But I don't remember and I feel like typing about it, okay?).

I have a REALLY hard time letting Alexys go with anyone but me. Call it being a control freak, OCD, or "Kate" (that's what my family calls me - as in Kate Plus Eight) - but I can't do it. I get incredibly guilty. Like terribly guilty. I fear that the world is judging me and that if I leave Alexys with a babysitter it means I don't love her, because why do I need to leave her with someone to do something for me. It's a terrible feeling, because I know it's not true. Obviously I'm not a bad mother if I leave Alexys with a babysitter to go skate for a few hours - I *need* that to be a better mom. It's okay to leave her with someone if I need a haircut.

And yet. I can't. I get overwhelmed with tears and guilt.

Even right now as I type this...Alexys went with my mom for the afternoon to hang out at her house. Yes I work in a bit, but that's not why she went. It was more just because...mom and dad wanted some Alexys time and I needed some space. I ASKED my mom to take Alexys even. And yet, here I am feeling guilty for being alone.

I wonder if it stems from the first time I left Alexys alone? She was five weeks old and I spent the night in the hospital with kidney stones. You'd think I'd be relieved to have a night of sleep all night, but I don't think I slept at ALL that night. I sobbed. All night long like a baby. I didn't have a choice that I had to leave Alexys (an emergency room gross curtained off "room" is not a good place for a baby).

I can probably count on two hands the number of times I've left Alexys since she's been born. I don't know what I would do if I had to send her to daycare, I think I'd have a mental breakdown and they'd have to give me drugs. I'm thankful I work at home and don't have to deal with that aspect of life. Seriously.

I know I need to get over this and I know that, especially as she gets older, it's good for her to be with other people that love her. I know my mom enjoys having time with her (and Nonno too of course!), but I still feel guilty. I feel guilty that she might act out and I feel guilty that someone else has to change her diapers. I've only left her over night with someone besides Jordon once - and I don't think I slept that night at all (besides the hospital night).

Eek.

Anyways. That's my rant. I'm going to try and enjoy the peace and quiet and stop feeling guilty now. Work is a good distraction to keep my mind off guilt :D


kortney elise xoxo