Day 3 actually went pretty smooth. I did have white rice, but again, it was a choice not cheating...and I actually found that I wasn't in any pain at all last night, so maybe white rice is actually okay. I'm still going to cut it out, but it might be something I reintroduce later on. Brown rice is seriously so hard to cook, I don't have a rice cooker, and Jordon doesn't like it (Alexys doesn't like white or brown rice though).
Breakfast - I didn't even try. I will one day. I'm just not ready for it yet. I don't like to do anything in the morning. I like to be lazy. I like to roll out of bed and push the button on my coffee pot. Making a smoothie, cooking, etc...it just sounds like far too much work. We'll get there. You'll see.
Lunch: Jordon took the day off, because he had a lot of banked time to use up, and we went to the mall. Oh oh - big and scary right? I had a salad from Quizno's...no cheating at all. I asked for no cheese and it just had a little bit of chicken, lettuce (obviously), tomatoes, and an oil/vinegar type dressing. I really wanted Caesar...but I didn't!!! I was also really sad that I wouldn't be able to have an Orange Julius, but when Jordon went to get one I realized they have a dairy free version and one of them (the Raspberry one!!) doesn't even have the sugar water in it. Wahoo.
Dinner: This is where white rice came in - we had sushi for dinner...but I didn't eat anything I couldn't have, except the white rice. Miso is actually an okay form of soy to eat for me, because of how it's processed (look it up, I'm not going over it).
I also had some apple for a snack.
And there was no pain last night. Maybe it IS working.
We'll see.
Oh and it's my birthday today - and if you want to see the post that had me SOBBING this morning - complete with pictures...go visit Leah again.
kortney elise xoxo
Thursday, 23 September, 2010
Tuesday, 21 September, 2010
Day 2 - Because It Helps to Blog
Leah keeps telling me it's not that hard of a change...and really it's not...but at the same time it's no hard. I like to snack and munch and though I always have taken care to read ingredients before buying things at the store, it WILL be more work to eat everyday. Eating will take thinking and preparation and time...and that is hard. I have to think about what I eat instead of just grabbing it off the shelf. I have to think and take the time to prepare lunch. It will take time to get used to this.
On that note, I'm proud of day 2. I had to avoid a lot of temptation and easy snacking at my mom's house. She has a lot of yummy treats just lying around - chips (ones that I can't eat), apple pie, pasta, etc. Yeah. It was tough. What did my day actually LOOK like?
Breakfast: Okay. I tried. I really tried. And then I gagged and half of it came up into my mouth. So I stopped. This is going to be the hardest part for me. I genuinely do not like breakfast or eating in the morning. And no, it's not morning sickness. It's every single day if I eat breakfast sickness. It grosses me out. But I tried. I had a cup of coffee (yes intentional - I told you caffeine would be a slow cut out) with almond milk and my turbinado sugar. Much better.
Lunch: I was at my mom's so this was hard to figure out. So what I eventually came up was a salad of all salads. Lettuce, tomatoes, raspberries, olives, cucumber, and just a little bit of feta (yes regular) with olive oil and vinegar. I also boiled an egg and had that on the side with pepper.
Dinner: This was actually easy. I forget that I can eat potatoes...so we had breakfast for dinner. I made bacon, hash browns, and eggs. I had half a strip of bacon (again, I chose to do this, because I can have a little bit of meat, and well I decided if I chose to do it and chose one strip, it would be better than getting sucked in and eating a lot of strips all at once). I did not put syrup on anything and I didn't have toast (which I made for Lex and Jord). Eggs are on the fence - some might consider them dairy. I do not. For now, unless I start to feel sick from them or show no improvement, I will eat eggs.
I did have a glass of my green tea "juice" - but I checked the ingredients and nothing in it extra except ascorbic acid (to keep freshness right?). Just green tea and pomegranate extract. I'm good with this juice as a treat once in a while. I've had a few strawberries since dinner.
How is my pain? There is a dull ache in my kidneys tonight, but less than usual. We'll see how it continues.
kortney elise xoxo
On that note, I'm proud of day 2. I had to avoid a lot of temptation and easy snacking at my mom's house. She has a lot of yummy treats just lying around - chips (ones that I can't eat), apple pie, pasta, etc. Yeah. It was tough. What did my day actually LOOK like?
Breakfast: Okay. I tried. I really tried. And then I gagged and half of it came up into my mouth. So I stopped. This is going to be the hardest part for me. I genuinely do not like breakfast or eating in the morning. And no, it's not morning sickness. It's every single day if I eat breakfast sickness. It grosses me out. But I tried. I had a cup of coffee (yes intentional - I told you caffeine would be a slow cut out) with almond milk and my turbinado sugar. Much better.
Lunch: I was at my mom's so this was hard to figure out. So what I eventually came up was a salad of all salads. Lettuce, tomatoes, raspberries, olives, cucumber, and just a little bit of feta (yes regular) with olive oil and vinegar. I also boiled an egg and had that on the side with pepper.
Dinner: This was actually easy. I forget that I can eat potatoes...so we had breakfast for dinner. I made bacon, hash browns, and eggs. I had half a strip of bacon (again, I chose to do this, because I can have a little bit of meat, and well I decided if I chose to do it and chose one strip, it would be better than getting sucked in and eating a lot of strips all at once). I did not put syrup on anything and I didn't have toast (which I made for Lex and Jord). Eggs are on the fence - some might consider them dairy. I do not. For now, unless I start to feel sick from them or show no improvement, I will eat eggs.
I did have a glass of my green tea "juice" - but I checked the ingredients and nothing in it extra except ascorbic acid (to keep freshness right?). Just green tea and pomegranate extract. I'm good with this juice as a treat once in a while. I've had a few strawberries since dinner.
How is my pain? There is a dull ache in my kidneys tonight, but less than usual. We'll see how it continues.
kortney elise xoxo
Monday, 20 September, 2010
Day 1 + a recipe for anyone!
Today's the first day of my endo "diet" and it hasn't really been that bad.
Save for this terrible caffeine-lacking headache I have going on. I'm fighting it with a cup of tea now though to try and ease the pain. Eventually I know that will have to stop too (green tea (which is allowed) though it does have some caffeine doesn't do anything for me that way)...but for now no coffee this morning was a big step. In my tea I have turbinado sugar and almond milk. It's not exactly the same, but I'm dealing with it - the taste is okay and actually almost tastes like coffee creamer.
What did the rest of the day look like?
Well, upon Leah's encouragement I started today by eating breakfast. Gross. Seriously. I hate eating breakfast but I needed something to fill my hands with if it wasn't coffee.
I had oatmeal (like the real oats I had to cook in a pot on the stove...and without milk!) and mixed it with baby food (yes leftovers from Alexys and Leah's idea too). I had a few bites. And it tasted fine. I just really don't like eating breakfast. I'll try again tomorrow.
For lunch, I had a wrap (yes it was wheat...I'm cheap and need to use those up and then I will switch to corn wraps) with goat cheese mozza, guacamole, tomato, onions, and lettuce.
For a snack I had a pear.
I've drank only my water with frozen raspberries in it (keep in mind, I HATE water. HATE...I think it's so gross). It's not half bad with raspberries in it. I keep it in my water bottle in the fridge and that helps....and then just my cup of tea I'm having now.
Dinner tonight is this recipe I found online - Vegetable Taco Pie - remembering that I have to limit my red meat intake (my goal for now is once a week), it'll be hard to find things around this house that make my meat-eater of a husband happy. I'll have to find things that keep him happy that I can make simply on the side for me too. I'm going to try for turkey/chicken 3 days a week, fish 2 days a week, and 2 days with no meat at all.
As for dinner - it looks like this:
INGREDIENTS:
* 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
* 1 pound ground turkey
* 1 3/4 cups chopped red bell pepper
* 1 cup chopped zucchini
*1 small yellow onion, chopped (I used green onion since Jordon won't eat onion).
* 1 tablespoon chili powder (I also added cayenne pepper)
* 2 cups chopped tomato
*1 (5.7 ounce) package Knorr® Rice Sides™ - Cheddar Broccoli, prepared according to package directions (I replaced this with some regular brown rice cooked and then mixed with cheese (for my husband's portion) and shredded cabbage) all mixed together. In my portion, I just used goat's cheese).
* 3/4 cup shredded Cheddar cheese (I replaced my portion with goat's cheese).
* 2 (10 inch) burrito size whole wheat high fiber tortillas (I skipped this step for me).
* 1 cup shredded iceberg lettuce
DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Heat oil in 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium high heat and cook turkey, red pepper, zucchini, onion and chili powder about 5 minutes, until turkey is thoroughly cooked, stirring occasionally. Stir in 1-1/2 cups tomato and cook, stirring occasionally, 3 minutes or until tomato is soft.
3. Place 1/3 of the turkey mixture in 9-inch deep dish pie plate. Spread 1/3 of the rice mixture on top. Sprinkle with 1/4 cup cheese, then top with 1 tortilla. Repeat layers ending with rice. Bake covered 20 minutes. Sprinkle with remaining 1/4 cup cheese and bake uncovered 10 minutes. Garnish with lettuce, remaining 1/2 cup tomato and, if desired, reduced fat sour cream and chopped cilantro.
I pretty much actually followed those directions surprisingly. I separated into two casserole dishes so that I could have mine and Jordon his and it's got six minutes left on the timer. The turkey mix tasted great when it was cooked up. So here's hoping!!!
Tonight was a "casserole" night as I'm on call for work and so I needed something ready before work started and something easy to throw in, just in case the phones/IM gets busy.
Success!!!
kortney elise xoxo
Save for this terrible caffeine-lacking headache I have going on. I'm fighting it with a cup of tea now though to try and ease the pain. Eventually I know that will have to stop too (green tea (which is allowed) though it does have some caffeine doesn't do anything for me that way)...but for now no coffee this morning was a big step. In my tea I have turbinado sugar and almond milk. It's not exactly the same, but I'm dealing with it - the taste is okay and actually almost tastes like coffee creamer.
What did the rest of the day look like?
Well, upon Leah's encouragement I started today by eating breakfast. Gross. Seriously. I hate eating breakfast but I needed something to fill my hands with if it wasn't coffee.
I had oatmeal (like the real oats I had to cook in a pot on the stove...and without milk!) and mixed it with baby food (yes leftovers from Alexys and Leah's idea too). I had a few bites. And it tasted fine. I just really don't like eating breakfast. I'll try again tomorrow.
For lunch, I had a wrap (yes it was wheat...I'm cheap and need to use those up and then I will switch to corn wraps) with goat cheese mozza, guacamole, tomato, onions, and lettuce.
For a snack I had a pear.
I've drank only my water with frozen raspberries in it (keep in mind, I HATE water. HATE...I think it's so gross). It's not half bad with raspberries in it. I keep it in my water bottle in the fridge and that helps....and then just my cup of tea I'm having now.
Dinner tonight is this recipe I found online - Vegetable Taco Pie - remembering that I have to limit my red meat intake (my goal for now is once a week), it'll be hard to find things around this house that make my meat-eater of a husband happy. I'll have to find things that keep him happy that I can make simply on the side for me too. I'm going to try for turkey/chicken 3 days a week, fish 2 days a week, and 2 days with no meat at all.
As for dinner - it looks like this:
INGREDIENTS:
* 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
* 1 pound ground turkey
* 1 3/4 cups chopped red bell pepper
* 1 cup chopped zucchini
*
* 1 tablespoon chili powder (I also added cayenne pepper)
* 2 cups chopped tomato
*
* 3/4 cup shredded Cheddar cheese (I replaced my portion with goat's cheese).
* 2 (10 inch) burrito size whole wheat high fiber tortillas (I skipped this step for me).
* 1 cup shredded iceberg lettuce
DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Heat oil in 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium high heat and cook turkey, red pepper, zucchini, onion and chili powder about 5 minutes, until turkey is thoroughly cooked, stirring occasionally. Stir in 1-1/2 cups tomato and cook, stirring occasionally, 3 minutes or until tomato is soft.
3. Place 1/3 of the turkey mixture in 9-inch deep dish pie plate. Spread 1/3 of the rice mixture on top. Sprinkle with 1/4 cup cheese, then top with 1 tortilla. Repeat layers ending with rice. Bake covered 20 minutes. Sprinkle with remaining 1/4 cup cheese and bake uncovered 10 minutes. Garnish with lettuce, remaining 1/2 cup tomato and, if desired, reduced fat sour cream and chopped cilantro.
I pretty much actually followed those directions surprisingly. I separated into two casserole dishes so that I could have mine and Jordon his and it's got six minutes left on the timer. The turkey mix tasted great when it was cooked up. So here's hoping!!!
Tonight was a "casserole" night as I'm on call for work and so I needed something ready before work started and something easy to throw in, just in case the phones/IM gets busy.
Success!!!
kortney elise xoxo
And so it begins...
Remember how I talked about lifestyle changes? They're slowly beginning to happen this week. Slowly being key for me. I'm posting them here, half for me, and simply so they're written down somewhere that I can view over and over.
I'm freaking sick of being in pain all the time. I know when I eat things that effect my kidneys/endo and I can't take it. So I had my friend Leah look into it and ask a nutritionist for me. What did she have to say? Mostly the same as what this page said. And so Leah took me shopping and off we went to superstore where I was introduced to the organic aisle. Now don't get me wrong. I shopped there sometimes. But she pretty much encouraged me to buy everything from there. And I did. I was surprised at how cheap my bill actually was for what I got. It wasn't out of the budget at all.
So what does an endo diet look like? Like this...
Let's start with what I CAN eat:
What can't I eat? The famous question, but of course:
I'm not going to lie I hate being restricted. I know it will be a challenge for me.
But quite frankly I'm sick and tired of this pain, literally, and can't fight the tears any longer. I need something to work. And here we start.
kortney elise xoxo
I'm freaking sick of being in pain all the time. I know when I eat things that effect my kidneys/endo and I can't take it. So I had my friend Leah look into it and ask a nutritionist for me. What did she have to say? Mostly the same as what this page said. And so Leah took me shopping and off we went to superstore where I was introduced to the organic aisle. Now don't get me wrong. I shopped there sometimes. But she pretty much encouraged me to buy everything from there. And I did. I was surprised at how cheap my bill actually was for what I got. It wasn't out of the budget at all.
So what does an endo diet look like? Like this...
Let's start with what I CAN eat:
- High fiber - up to 25 grams a day. It is thought that fiber decreases the amount of total circulating estrogen (estrogen = bad when you have endo). This means lots of whole grains (excluding wheat and rye), beans, peas, brown rice, veggies, fruit, and oatmeal.
- I am also supposed to incorporate mustard greens, broccoli, cabbage, or turnips into my diet daily to moderate estrogen levels. This will be difficult and I'm still looking into "mustard greens."
- Because endo wears down your immune system so badly (and remember I have a little one who's germs are going to be abundant very shortly) they suggest increasing foods to up your immune system (as mentioned and): onions, garlic, carrots, live yogurt, rhubarb, seeds/sprouted seeds, ginger, and green tea.
- There are also foods that contain "phytoestrogens" that are thought to be helpful - they actually block the estrogen receptors so that there is not excess estrogen in the body (as mentioned and): red/purple berries, apples, parsley, cauliflower, nuts, celery, and sage.
What can't I eat? The famous question, but of course:
- Wheat - this includes breads and pasta products, all based on wheat.
- Red meats - promotes negative prostaglandins.
- Refined and concentrated carbohydrates (refined flours).
- Refined sugars and honey - causes inflammatory reaction.
- Caffeine which increases abdominal cramps and increases estrogen levels.
- Dairy produce including all milk and cheese - inflammatory.
- Fried food, margarine and hydrogenated fats - can stimulate negative prostaglandins.
- Soy products and soy protein products - tamari can be used in small amounts.
- Tinned and frozen packaged foods as little as possible.
- Additives and preservatives - increase chemical load on the system.
I'm not going to lie I hate being restricted. I know it will be a challenge for me.
But quite frankly I'm sick and tired of this pain, literally, and can't fight the tears any longer. I need something to work. And here we start.
kortney elise xoxo
Friday, 17 September, 2010
Mama's Guilt
I have a few friends who think I'm crazy for this feeling...but I can't help it.
I have mama's guilt.
What's that? Well, I don't know if it's real, and I haven't googled it to find a Wiki page, but it's my own term. My own feelings.
I'm a guilty mama.
Huh? Okay. Bare with me (and thinking about it, I may have posted this already. But I don't remember and I feel like typing about it, okay?).
I have a REALLY hard time letting Alexys go with anyone but me. Call it being a control freak, OCD, or "Kate" (that's what my family calls me - as in Kate Plus Eight) - but I can't do it. I get incredibly guilty. Like terribly guilty. I fear that the world is judging me and that if I leave Alexys with a babysitter it means I don't love her, because why do I need to leave her with someone to do something for me. It's a terrible feeling, because I know it's not true. Obviously I'm not a bad mother if I leave Alexys with a babysitter to go skate for a few hours - I *need* that to be a better mom. It's okay to leave her with someone if I need a haircut.
And yet. I can't. I get overwhelmed with tears and guilt.
Even right now as I type this...Alexys went with my mom for the afternoon to hang out at her house. Yes I work in a bit, but that's not why she went. It was more just because...mom and dad wanted some Alexys time and I needed some space. I ASKED my mom to take Alexys even. And yet, here I am feeling guilty for being alone.
I wonder if it stems from the first time I left Alexys alone? She was five weeks old and I spent the night in the hospital with kidney stones. You'd think I'd be relieved to have a night of sleep all night, but I don't think I slept at ALL that night. I sobbed. All night long like a baby. I didn't have a choice that I had to leave Alexys (an emergency room gross curtained off "room" is not a good place for a baby).
I can probably count on two hands the number of times I've left Alexys since she's been born. I don't know what I would do if I had to send her to daycare, I think I'd have a mental breakdown and they'd have to give me drugs. I'm thankful I work at home and don't have to deal with that aspect of life. Seriously.
I know I need to get over this and I know that, especially as she gets older, it's good for her to be with other people that love her. I know my mom enjoys having time with her (and Nonno too of course!), but I still feel guilty. I feel guilty that she might act out and I feel guilty that someone else has to change her diapers. I've only left her over night with someone besides Jordon once - and I don't think I slept that night at all (besides the hospital night).
Eek.
Anyways. That's my rant. I'm going to try and enjoy the peace and quiet and stop feeling guilty now. Work is a good distraction to keep my mind off guilt :D
kortney elise xoxo
I have mama's guilt.
What's that? Well, I don't know if it's real, and I haven't googled it to find a Wiki page, but it's my own term. My own feelings.
I'm a guilty mama.
Huh? Okay. Bare with me (and thinking about it, I may have posted this already. But I don't remember and I feel like typing about it, okay?).
I have a REALLY hard time letting Alexys go with anyone but me. Call it being a control freak, OCD, or "Kate" (that's what my family calls me - as in Kate Plus Eight) - but I can't do it. I get incredibly guilty. Like terribly guilty. I fear that the world is judging me and that if I leave Alexys with a babysitter it means I don't love her, because why do I need to leave her with someone to do something for me. It's a terrible feeling, because I know it's not true. Obviously I'm not a bad mother if I leave Alexys with a babysitter to go skate for a few hours - I *need* that to be a better mom. It's okay to leave her with someone if I need a haircut.
And yet. I can't. I get overwhelmed with tears and guilt.
Even right now as I type this...Alexys went with my mom for the afternoon to hang out at her house. Yes I work in a bit, but that's not why she went. It was more just because...mom and dad wanted some Alexys time and I needed some space. I ASKED my mom to take Alexys even. And yet, here I am feeling guilty for being alone.
I wonder if it stems from the first time I left Alexys alone? She was five weeks old and I spent the night in the hospital with kidney stones. You'd think I'd be relieved to have a night of sleep all night, but I don't think I slept at ALL that night. I sobbed. All night long like a baby. I didn't have a choice that I had to leave Alexys (an emergency room gross curtained off "room" is not a good place for a baby).
I can probably count on two hands the number of times I've left Alexys since she's been born. I don't know what I would do if I had to send her to daycare, I think I'd have a mental breakdown and they'd have to give me drugs. I'm thankful I work at home and don't have to deal with that aspect of life. Seriously.
I know I need to get over this and I know that, especially as she gets older, it's good for her to be with other people that love her. I know my mom enjoys having time with her (and Nonno too of course!), but I still feel guilty. I feel guilty that she might act out and I feel guilty that someone else has to change her diapers. I've only left her over night with someone besides Jordon once - and I don't think I slept that night at all (besides the hospital night).
Eek.
Anyways. That's my rant. I'm going to try and enjoy the peace and quiet and stop feeling guilty now. Work is a good distraction to keep my mind off guilt :D
kortney elise xoxo
Wednesday, 15 September, 2010
Monday, 13 September, 2010
Saturday, 11 September, 2010
Scammed by a 21-Month-Old
Jordon and I got scammed by our 21-month-old (today!) baby.
We're in the process of doing some early potty training. She's showing the early signs of being ready so we're just doing some early training. She's aware of where her potty is and what it's for, I think, but she doesn't understand how to go on it yet (ie: make herself go). She knows when her diaper is full and understands to lie down for a bum change now. Anyways. We try and make her go on the potty everyday to try and just make her comfortable with it.
My great idea was to give her a candy if she got on the potty and stayed on and a sticker FOR the potty and a chocolate if she goes. Great idea...in theory.
Yesterday I was working and Jordon was on the computer before bed. I said something about the potty and that's for big girls and that she could go on it one day when she was a big girl too. Subsequently she went over, grabbed her potty lid off the potty, and brought it to Jordon. Jordon said to go put it away and instead she through herself on the ground and started whining. On hearing this, I run in and said do you want to go to the potty, let's go. So sure enough I put the lid on, she pulls at her diaper, we get it off, and she sits down on the potty. Not five seconds later she is up and standing at the cupboard where we keep the potty training candy. So I get them and sit her down on the potty. She takes a candy (in each hand as per her usual thing) and sits for all of 10 seconds and is up and off. I couldn't get her to sit down again.
It was part of her plan. She just wanted candy.
We got scammed by a toddler. I have a lot of long years ahead me thinks :D
kortney elise xoxo
Monday, 6 September, 2010
My Endo Story
I’ve thought about how to write this story so many times. The story plays over and over in my head but the words never seem to come out right on paper…computer screen. But I’m going to try. For the sake of you. For the sake of me. I want it out and on paper to share – perhaps it will save one more person from this struggle. Perhaps it will be soothing for someone to hear.
Some of you know the story from beginning to present. Some of you know bits. But here it all is – it doesn’t have an ending, but at least this way you don’t have to search through post after post looking for information. I’ve had a couple message me and ask what the deal is. So here it is.
What is the story?
Endometriosis.
I think that it’s my biggest struggle and it consumes my thoughts for a good portion of everyday – sometimes with the reason of dealing with pain and other times just because I fear the days of pain that are around the corner.
First. I encourage you to read this letter. It is a letter signed by endo survivors and captures so many of my feelings so well. And now. My story. Oh – and it might be a little too much if you’re not into hearing the gross details…the womanly details. Sorry!
I got my period when I was 11 or 12 I think. It wasn’t anything terrible or horrible. It was normal as far as I can remember. I was embarrassed and grossed out like most kids at that age. It’s one of those things. I don’t have specific memories. It just happened. I don’t remember cramps or pain out of the ordinary at all. I don’t even remember how consistent it was. Only that it was there and that was all.
My memories happen starting with grade 10. I know it was grade 10 at least but it could have been grade 11. I know before grade 12…I have memories of lying in my high school in one specific corner outside a teacher’s classroom. I had the same teacher for science 10 and Bio 11 so it all started around there somewhere. I was in so much pain in terms of cramps I literally curled myself into a corner and cried until I drugged myself enough (ahem, legally of course) that the pain dulled to get through class. From then on it was downhill. I often wonder if that was when endo “struck.” They don’t know definitively what causes endo – when or how it starts. Only that it does. I just find it strange that I remember this specific time. However, I still was under the impression that this was normal. I thought dying of cramps once a month was how it was supposed to go and that was what being a woman was. It’s not. Do not let anyone ever tell you that. If your period cripples you, there is something wrong. Go to a doctor and beg to see a specialist.
As time progressed so did the symptoms. I started to notice bowel problems on a regular basis. This is gross, but oh well. Massive diarrhea and cramps and everything all together. My stomach ached and this started to happen more than just during my period. Maybe that’s why I was confused. It started happening all the freaking time. When I actually got my period I would bleed and bleed and bleed…I’m positive it was more than the average person. I would also get huge chunks and clots constantly. I didn’t do anything about this. Again thought it was normal.
Fast forward (or replay this scene over and over for a few years…). I went away to CLBI (to Bible college in another province). My first year was fine but for whatever reason my second year things got way worse. I would say crippling at times. There were days that I could not get out of bed for hours. I would miss my first class at least once a week. Endo symptoms are similar to pregnancy symptoms at times for some (me included) – strange appetite, exhaustion (presumably from anemia I would think), mood swings, etc. I don’t know why but eventually I went to the doctor. I didn’t think to complain so much about the period issues, but more the diarrhea and constant cramping. Of course the doctors assumed this had to do with my bowel and so I was sent on an array of tests for bowel problems. I had a colonoscopy done, an upper endoscopy (I think), a barium swallow (I think)…among other tests. At the end the doctor told me I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome and to move on. I knew this was wrong deep down, but I didn’t know what else it could be. I wasn’t putting two and two together yet.
Over Christmas break that year, I came home and visited my high school (okay I know, I’m a dork)…there was a teacher there to whom I am forever grateful to. She was actually in the classroom next to the one where I had my original fit of pain. Anyways, she’s a young, awesome teacher, and I grew close to her during my high school years. I went to visit and I truly have no idea how the topic came about but she mentioned that she had just been diagnosed with endometriosis (presumably it had to do with fertility issues for her at that time) and recommended a great doctor. I went straight home and as I read off the symptoms of this endometriosis, I knew it. I knew that was what I had. Bowel issues included.
When I went back to CLBI I asked to go to an OB/GYN. Never had been to one before (I had no real reason at that point). I went and met a fabulous general OB/GYN. He was great and I would love if he was just my regular OB/GYN. He agreed that the symptoms sounded like endometriosis and we decided to go forth with surgery. This ended up cancelling my planned mission trip to Africa and left me at home with scars. Physically and emotionally. He told me that I didn’t have endometriosis after the surgery and that everything looked cleaned. He thought I had a similar condition called adenomyosis and recommended a specialist. At this point it was time for me to move home, back to BC, though, and I still wasn’t sure.
Once home I went back to my family doctor out here. We had to start at the beginning – and where did he start? With Crohn’s and colitis. I knew, knew, knew deep down this was not right. I switched family doctors immediately and didn’t go through with his testing. I went to a new primary care physician and told him my story. Around the same time I found the piece of paper that recommended the doctor my teacher gave me over Christmas break. My doctor sent me there without questions. Turned out that this doctor was actually a fertility specialist and I didn’t need him at that time. He referred me to another doctor in the building who specifically dealt with this endometriosis. Eventually I got in to her – Dr. Christina Williams. Bless her heart! She did an examination and explained to me that general surgeons tend to miss endo and she was sure that’s what I had. She started me on birth control and got me into surgery a few months later.
Success. The first one yet. After some trial and error with birth control we decided to stop my period completely using the pill version of the shot (Provera) and go ahead with surgery. Sure enough the surgery showed endometriosis in my cul-de-sac. It was little but even the littlest spots could be overwhelming enough to do what it did to me. The bowel issues made sense now – my cul-de-sac was being misshapen and it was pressing on my bowel. This was fabulous and post surgery I found myself pain free for the first time in years. Oh, this was in October 2005, I believe.
I went on for a while happily moving on with life pain free and eventually, in November 2006, I got married. I am proud to state this and can tell you that I didn’t have sex until I was married. And that November is when I realized my endometriosis was making a comeback. And not the good kind. I’ll let you put two and two together because I’m not typing this on my blog, but I suffered from what is medically known as dyspareunia. It was okay at first and I figured typical “beginner” kind of stuff. But as I went on and started chatting with friends, I began to realize something was very, very wrong. Things got worse, not better, and it didn’t seem normal. Slowly I started having breakthrough bleeding from my period (even though I wasn’t supposed to have any). The periods lead to painful cramps again, etc. etc. There were pregnancy tests because I was tired and thought it was my body acting out (nope – negative). Eventually I found my way back to Dr. Williams, back on her exam table.
She said that when she does surgery she found that endometriosis only made a comeback (in the same area) in 1 of every 5 patients. If she did end up doing a second surgery, it would only make a comeback in 1 of 100. So I was a statistic being that I was back with pain in the same area – I was the 1 in 5. She decided the symptoms seemed right and sure enough she got me in for surgery in October 2007. And the results? Yep. Repeat endo in my cul-de-sac. Again, not severe in terms of “level” of endometriosis (graded from 1 to 5, I was only a 1 or maybe a 2) – but the areas it was hitting made my pain grade a 4 or 5 out of 5. Anyways, she cleared it out and sent me on my way. She said she felt like we’d never meet again.
Fast forward a few pain free months to March-ish of 2008. I found myself tired, sick, etc. I knew it couldn’t be endo – I wasn’t having any associated bleeding. I thought I had mono. In June (as we all know by now), I found out I was 16 weeks pregnant and due December 10, 2008. Best news ever, as my doctor had said I had a very high chance of reduced fertility. The fact that I got pregnant, and while on contraception, was good news (though shocking).
Life while pregnant was a breeze. No periods. No cramps. No pain. No nothing (aside from your typical tiredness and morning sickness till 33 weeks of course). I had my sweet baby girl December 11, 2008. I chose to exclusively breastfeed until Alexys was 9 months of age and thought that I would for sure be able to hold off on periods...as most often happens when exclusively breastfeeding.
Instead, my flow returned when Alexys was 5 months old. I was stuck with a tough decision. There was one kind of birth control that was okay to take while breastfeeding, but it seemed silly to me – I knew it wouldn’t help control my period flow or pain and I didn’t feel right giving Alexys any kind of hormones...which may increase her chance of endo later in life. It seemed selfish to take something that probably wouldn’t help anyway. I was hopeful. There are lots of rumors that claim pregnancy “cures” endometriosis and for whatever reason, sometimes it does repress it (I don’t believe you’re ever cured of endo). My first periods, though heavy, were okay. I could manage the pain.
And then they got worse and worse. And worse. And clotty. And painful. Breastfeeding made it worse and if I was breastfeeding while on my period (for whatever reason, don’t ask me, I’m not technically a doctor...hehe)...I would just ache and ache while feeding. I was determined to not let that make or break my deal for Alexys though and it didn’t. It was tough, but necessary.
Oh, and I should also add that I got kidney stones when Alexys was 5 weeks old in January 2009. This is important later on.
I stopped breastfeeding Alexys at one and went back on my old regimen of Provera in order to stop my periods. My dose is the same. And at first...it helped a bit. My period was under control to a point and the pain wasn’t so bad.
And then slowly old times returned...except oddly with new symptoms. I constantly have a painful left kidney that isn’t technically attributed to anything. Whenever I feel like I have a kidney infection, etc. it turns out to be nothing and antibiotics don’t help anyways. It just aches a dull, terrible ache. An ultrasound showed some sort of calcifications in the walls of my kidneys – it seems it may be endo but only a specialist will be able to diagnose that. I don’t know if there’s a way too fix it.
My bladder and bowel are up to their old tricks too. When I have to pee my bladder becomes so sore and so distended I look four months pregnant. No word of a lie. It bulges out and aches. I have bowel problems all the time that I won’t go into details for your safety :) I feel like I constantly have bladder infections, even though every time I’m tested it comes back negative. The other dyspareunia problem is back too. What’s worse is my period has been showing up every two weeks or so though...while on my heavy dose of Provera.
And my friends. That’s where I am. If I go back to Dr. Williams, I become a statistic – remember it only returns for the third time in the same spot 1 in every 100 cases. I feel as though it’s spread. I feel as though I need surgery. Again.
I don’t want it. I want to forget that my abdomen aches on a daily basis and move on with life. I’m pretty good at veiling the pain and often can forget about it. I move on with life and pretend it doesn’t exist. But it’s not fair to Alexys, Jordon, my friends, my family, my job...to me. When I can’t give my all because I’m in day to day pain that I constantly lie about it. It’s not fair.
I feel as though the answer may end up being get pregnant which is something that I don’t want to do right now. I feel that the word hysterectomy will be tossed around for a future that is nearer rather than further – not something an (ick) almost 25 year old should think about. I should be able to keep my uterus for a long, long time.
That’s it. That’s my story. There isn’t an ending. It’s still a journey. I only hope that it can end with happily ever after one day soon.
Some of you know the story from beginning to present. Some of you know bits. But here it all is – it doesn’t have an ending, but at least this way you don’t have to search through post after post looking for information. I’ve had a couple message me and ask what the deal is. So here it is.
What is the story?
Endometriosis.
I think that it’s my biggest struggle and it consumes my thoughts for a good portion of everyday – sometimes with the reason of dealing with pain and other times just because I fear the days of pain that are around the corner.
First. I encourage you to read this letter. It is a letter signed by endo survivors and captures so many of my feelings so well. And now. My story. Oh – and it might be a little too much if you’re not into hearing the gross details…the womanly details. Sorry!
I got my period when I was 11 or 12 I think. It wasn’t anything terrible or horrible. It was normal as far as I can remember. I was embarrassed and grossed out like most kids at that age. It’s one of those things. I don’t have specific memories. It just happened. I don’t remember cramps or pain out of the ordinary at all. I don’t even remember how consistent it was. Only that it was there and that was all.
My memories happen starting with grade 10. I know it was grade 10 at least but it could have been grade 11. I know before grade 12…I have memories of lying in my high school in one specific corner outside a teacher’s classroom. I had the same teacher for science 10 and Bio 11 so it all started around there somewhere. I was in so much pain in terms of cramps I literally curled myself into a corner and cried until I drugged myself enough (ahem, legally of course) that the pain dulled to get through class. From then on it was downhill. I often wonder if that was when endo “struck.” They don’t know definitively what causes endo – when or how it starts. Only that it does. I just find it strange that I remember this specific time. However, I still was under the impression that this was normal. I thought dying of cramps once a month was how it was supposed to go and that was what being a woman was. It’s not. Do not let anyone ever tell you that. If your period cripples you, there is something wrong. Go to a doctor and beg to see a specialist.
As time progressed so did the symptoms. I started to notice bowel problems on a regular basis. This is gross, but oh well. Massive diarrhea and cramps and everything all together. My stomach ached and this started to happen more than just during my period. Maybe that’s why I was confused. It started happening all the freaking time. When I actually got my period I would bleed and bleed and bleed…I’m positive it was more than the average person. I would also get huge chunks and clots constantly. I didn’t do anything about this. Again thought it was normal.
Fast forward (or replay this scene over and over for a few years…). I went away to CLBI (to Bible college in another province). My first year was fine but for whatever reason my second year things got way worse. I would say crippling at times. There were days that I could not get out of bed for hours. I would miss my first class at least once a week. Endo symptoms are similar to pregnancy symptoms at times for some (me included) – strange appetite, exhaustion (presumably from anemia I would think), mood swings, etc. I don’t know why but eventually I went to the doctor. I didn’t think to complain so much about the period issues, but more the diarrhea and constant cramping. Of course the doctors assumed this had to do with my bowel and so I was sent on an array of tests for bowel problems. I had a colonoscopy done, an upper endoscopy (I think), a barium swallow (I think)…among other tests. At the end the doctor told me I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome and to move on. I knew this was wrong deep down, but I didn’t know what else it could be. I wasn’t putting two and two together yet.
Over Christmas break that year, I came home and visited my high school (okay I know, I’m a dork)…there was a teacher there to whom I am forever grateful to. She was actually in the classroom next to the one where I had my original fit of pain. Anyways, she’s a young, awesome teacher, and I grew close to her during my high school years. I went to visit and I truly have no idea how the topic came about but she mentioned that she had just been diagnosed with endometriosis (presumably it had to do with fertility issues for her at that time) and recommended a great doctor. I went straight home and as I read off the symptoms of this endometriosis, I knew it. I knew that was what I had. Bowel issues included.
When I went back to CLBI I asked to go to an OB/GYN. Never had been to one before (I had no real reason at that point). I went and met a fabulous general OB/GYN. He was great and I would love if he was just my regular OB/GYN. He agreed that the symptoms sounded like endometriosis and we decided to go forth with surgery. This ended up cancelling my planned mission trip to Africa and left me at home with scars. Physically and emotionally. He told me that I didn’t have endometriosis after the surgery and that everything looked cleaned. He thought I had a similar condition called adenomyosis and recommended a specialist. At this point it was time for me to move home, back to BC, though, and I still wasn’t sure.
Once home I went back to my family doctor out here. We had to start at the beginning – and where did he start? With Crohn’s and colitis. I knew, knew, knew deep down this was not right. I switched family doctors immediately and didn’t go through with his testing. I went to a new primary care physician and told him my story. Around the same time I found the piece of paper that recommended the doctor my teacher gave me over Christmas break. My doctor sent me there without questions. Turned out that this doctor was actually a fertility specialist and I didn’t need him at that time. He referred me to another doctor in the building who specifically dealt with this endometriosis. Eventually I got in to her – Dr. Christina Williams. Bless her heart! She did an examination and explained to me that general surgeons tend to miss endo and she was sure that’s what I had. She started me on birth control and got me into surgery a few months later.
Success. The first one yet. After some trial and error with birth control we decided to stop my period completely using the pill version of the shot (Provera) and go ahead with surgery. Sure enough the surgery showed endometriosis in my cul-de-sac. It was little but even the littlest spots could be overwhelming enough to do what it did to me. The bowel issues made sense now – my cul-de-sac was being misshapen and it was pressing on my bowel. This was fabulous and post surgery I found myself pain free for the first time in years. Oh, this was in October 2005, I believe.
I went on for a while happily moving on with life pain free and eventually, in November 2006, I got married. I am proud to state this and can tell you that I didn’t have sex until I was married. And that November is when I realized my endometriosis was making a comeback. And not the good kind. I’ll let you put two and two together because I’m not typing this on my blog, but I suffered from what is medically known as dyspareunia. It was okay at first and I figured typical “beginner” kind of stuff. But as I went on and started chatting with friends, I began to realize something was very, very wrong. Things got worse, not better, and it didn’t seem normal. Slowly I started having breakthrough bleeding from my period (even though I wasn’t supposed to have any). The periods lead to painful cramps again, etc. etc. There were pregnancy tests because I was tired and thought it was my body acting out (nope – negative). Eventually I found my way back to Dr. Williams, back on her exam table.
She said that when she does surgery she found that endometriosis only made a comeback (in the same area) in 1 of every 5 patients. If she did end up doing a second surgery, it would only make a comeback in 1 of 100. So I was a statistic being that I was back with pain in the same area – I was the 1 in 5. She decided the symptoms seemed right and sure enough she got me in for surgery in October 2007. And the results? Yep. Repeat endo in my cul-de-sac. Again, not severe in terms of “level” of endometriosis (graded from 1 to 5, I was only a 1 or maybe a 2) – but the areas it was hitting made my pain grade a 4 or 5 out of 5. Anyways, she cleared it out and sent me on my way. She said she felt like we’d never meet again.
Fast forward a few pain free months to March-ish of 2008. I found myself tired, sick, etc. I knew it couldn’t be endo – I wasn’t having any associated bleeding. I thought I had mono. In June (as we all know by now), I found out I was 16 weeks pregnant and due December 10, 2008. Best news ever, as my doctor had said I had a very high chance of reduced fertility. The fact that I got pregnant, and while on contraception, was good news (though shocking).
Life while pregnant was a breeze. No periods. No cramps. No pain. No nothing (aside from your typical tiredness and morning sickness till 33 weeks of course). I had my sweet baby girl December 11, 2008. I chose to exclusively breastfeed until Alexys was 9 months of age and thought that I would for sure be able to hold off on periods...as most often happens when exclusively breastfeeding.
Instead, my flow returned when Alexys was 5 months old. I was stuck with a tough decision. There was one kind of birth control that was okay to take while breastfeeding, but it seemed silly to me – I knew it wouldn’t help control my period flow or pain and I didn’t feel right giving Alexys any kind of hormones...which may increase her chance of endo later in life. It seemed selfish to take something that probably wouldn’t help anyway. I was hopeful. There are lots of rumors that claim pregnancy “cures” endometriosis and for whatever reason, sometimes it does repress it (I don’t believe you’re ever cured of endo). My first periods, though heavy, were okay. I could manage the pain.
And then they got worse and worse. And worse. And clotty. And painful. Breastfeeding made it worse and if I was breastfeeding while on my period (for whatever reason, don’t ask me, I’m not technically a doctor...hehe)...I would just ache and ache while feeding. I was determined to not let that make or break my deal for Alexys though and it didn’t. It was tough, but necessary.
Oh, and I should also add that I got kidney stones when Alexys was 5 weeks old in January 2009. This is important later on.
I stopped breastfeeding Alexys at one and went back on my old regimen of Provera in order to stop my periods. My dose is the same. And at first...it helped a bit. My period was under control to a point and the pain wasn’t so bad.
And then slowly old times returned...except oddly with new symptoms. I constantly have a painful left kidney that isn’t technically attributed to anything. Whenever I feel like I have a kidney infection, etc. it turns out to be nothing and antibiotics don’t help anyways. It just aches a dull, terrible ache. An ultrasound showed some sort of calcifications in the walls of my kidneys – it seems it may be endo but only a specialist will be able to diagnose that. I don’t know if there’s a way too fix it.
My bladder and bowel are up to their old tricks too. When I have to pee my bladder becomes so sore and so distended I look four months pregnant. No word of a lie. It bulges out and aches. I have bowel problems all the time that I won’t go into details for your safety :) I feel like I constantly have bladder infections, even though every time I’m tested it comes back negative. The other dyspareunia problem is back too. What’s worse is my period has been showing up every two weeks or so though...while on my heavy dose of Provera.
And my friends. That’s where I am. If I go back to Dr. Williams, I become a statistic – remember it only returns for the third time in the same spot 1 in every 100 cases. I feel as though it’s spread. I feel as though I need surgery. Again.
I don’t want it. I want to forget that my abdomen aches on a daily basis and move on with life. I’m pretty good at veiling the pain and often can forget about it. I move on with life and pretend it doesn’t exist. But it’s not fair to Alexys, Jordon, my friends, my family, my job...to me. When I can’t give my all because I’m in day to day pain that I constantly lie about it. It’s not fair.
I feel as though the answer may end up being get pregnant which is something that I don’t want to do right now. I feel that the word hysterectomy will be tossed around for a future that is nearer rather than further – not something an (ick) almost 25 year old should think about. I should be able to keep my uterus for a long, long time.
That’s it. That’s my story. There isn’t an ending. It’s still a journey. I only hope that it can end with happily ever after one day soon.
Go Green...Or Sometimes - Don't
I'm all for keeping things green. I'm all for trying to save the earth. I think ti's awesome.
I think it's important to not put chemicals inside your body (you'll read about that in upcoming posts if I ever find more time to blog again) and I usually use green products in my house. I use the Nature Clean stuff. I use baking soda to scrub things.
Except - well, sometimes things are left too long. Sometimes things become dirty (like my bathtub, as my mother so kindly pointed out last night). Sometimes I just plain old don't feel like creating a green concoction just to save a tree or add an extra 9 days to my life. Sometimes I am just darn thankful that I live in 2010 and can use something like "Scrubbing Bubbles" in my bathroom. In fact. I'm really, really glad I don't have to SCRUB right now (that's the problem with green stuff...you have to SCRUB things versus just be lazy about it). I just sprayed down my bathtub with this stuff...came to type this blog...and when I'm finished I can go spray it off and it's clean.
And sometimes...busy mama's need to just get things done.
I do try and stay green, but if you're just having one of those days I definitely encourage Johnson and Johnson products like this one. Why? They don't admit to being a green company by any means...but the point is they don't hide anything. They have a new website called "What's Inside" and they fully disclose all the ingredients in their products. I like when companies don't hide. Because although I'm sure some of those things aren't great for you...at least they don't hide it.
I'm going to finish my bathroom now.
kortney elise xoxo
I think it's important to not put chemicals inside your body (you'll read about that in upcoming posts if I ever find more time to blog again) and I usually use green products in my house. I use the Nature Clean stuff. I use baking soda to scrub things.
And sometimes...busy mama's need to just get things done.
I do try and stay green, but if you're just having one of those days I definitely encourage Johnson and Johnson products like this one. Why? They don't admit to being a green company by any means...but the point is they don't hide anything. They have a new website called "What's Inside" and they fully disclose all the ingredients in their products. I like when companies don't hide. Because although I'm sure some of those things aren't great for you...at least they don't hide it.
I'm going to finish my bathroom now.
kortney elise xoxo
Wednesday, 1 September, 2010
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